Cockneys vs Zombies (2012)

Andy and Terry Macguire (Harry Treadaway, Fish Tank & Rasmus Hardiker, Saxondale) are two cockney orphan tearaways. They're a little bit wooah, a little bit wheeey. But like all cockney orphan tearaways who are a little bit wooah, a little bit wheeey, they've got an 'eart o' gold, and they want to save their grandad's (Alan "Brick-Top" Ford, stealing the film) retirement home from imminent closure. How? By nicking a van that barely works, assembling a team made up of themselves, their sexy cousin (Michelle Ryan, EastEnders) and a pair of associates: the dimwitted Tuppence (Jack Doolan, The Green Green Grass) and the psychotic Mental Mickey (Ashley "Bashy" Thomas, apparently something of a name in the UK "Grime" scene which spawned Tinie Tempah, Tinchy Stryder and the like), and robbing a bank dressed as the construction workers presently digging up a large swathe of neighbouring Docklands area. It's here with a couple of the Docklands workers that the film begins, as they inadvertantly discover a sealed tomb in amongst the East-end mud. Sensing literal buried treasure, they venture in and are immediately set upon by a centuries-old dessicated member of the undead. So it begins, and so it escalates (a little too quickly, if I'm honest; one minute there are no zombies. A scene or two later, East London is a cordoned-off zombie zone, despite the film's constant allusions to how slow the zombies are), until before long the retirement home - choc-full of funny characters and a stand-out scene featuring Richard Briers in the slowest chase scene you'll ever see - is under heavy seige and our inept bank-robbers, who WERE under heavy seige at the bank from the cops, find their path cleared. Well, inasmuch as everyone in the street is now either dead or UNdead. With a couple of hostages from the botched bank job in tow, our crew of idiots have to make it to their warehouse rendevous and then decide whether to go and help grandad.

This is a very undemanding romp. "If Ealing Comedies did Zombie Flicks...", you could say. Most obvious comparisons I guess would be with 2004's Shaun of the Dead, and it's definitely in that ballpark (if not truthfully as smart). Shortcomings? Hm, well the glamour provided by Ms. Ryan seems totally superfluous, and the zombies whilst played seriously aren't quite played seriously enough, a result of which is that there is almost no sense of peril whatsoever; I know it's a comedy, but it's still a fairly gory zombie film too, and I think the filmmakers lose sight of that once or twice too often for my personal tastes. Still, I'm nitpicking. Ashley Thomas and Rasmus Hardiker are very good, and Alan Ford is superb, as entertaining in this as he was in Snatch, and we even find out whether or not West Ham and Millwall fans can learn to get along once they're undead. It's an easy and fun way to blow off 80 brisk minutes. What else d'you want, eh? You fahking cahnt! Gertcha!

What a bloody stupid/brilliant film! It does exactly what you'd expect, really. Doesn't outstay its welcome though, unlike some, providing a delightfully silly romp around East London's undead-infested streets. Some crackin' one-liners, intriguing and relatable characters, and a few "ooooh, hot DAMN!" moments. Given the original intention and audience expectation, this is spot on. How could you walk away without a big cheesy grin?! Love it!

I've always had a soft spot for the Treadaway twins but even here, with Alan Ford doing his best Albert Finney impersonation as dad "Ray", this struggles to resonate. It's Harry ("Andy") and his best mate "Terry" (Rasmus Hardiker) who decide to assemble a gang to rob a bank. Ashley Thomas provides the muscle as the aptly named "Mental Mickey" and Michelle Ryan's "Katy" ain't no slouch either as their plans gradually take shape. What they don't account for, though, is the zombification of East London. Whether or not they successfully pull off their heist and avoid the police is secondary to their escaping an army of spellbound critters who have been bitten after an ancient graveyard was accidentally uncovered by a construction operation. Now these ketchup-sprayed monsters are persistent and there are thousands of them, so our gallant gang have to figure out a way to make it to the safety of a boat on the Thames before setting sail for? Canvey Island I suppose? Can they make it? This isn't a bad film, but it's hardly an original bone in it's body. There's a degree of chemistry between Treadaway and the quite entertaining Hardiker, but the rest of it is a distant sequel of "Shaun of the Dead" (2004) with an episode of "The Bill" thrown in for blue lights and good measure. It's clearly meant to be a spoof, and taken in that spirit it's a daft and predictable shoot 'em up that you'll never remember, but it does pass ninety minutes amiably enough.