Yoga Hosers (2016)

**In yoga, you're right and they're wrong.**

They have targeted two things in this film. Mocking yoga and attacking (film) critics. They knew the film wouldn't be good enough for film critics, so they used an indirect attempt to slam them. And for as yoga, martial arts would have been a better idea, though they wanted the spiritual effect. Especially from the perspective of two current generation girls.

> "This is so basic."

This is a spin-off of the director's previous film, 'Tusk', starring Justin Long and he can be seen in this as well in a different role. A tale of two high school girls who work part time in their father's mini supermarket. They are passionate about yoga and got a best yogi to train them. But when they encounter an unexpected threat, they exploit everything they have learnt to tackle the situation. That's the story, and then follows the conclusion.

With this, Johnny Depp's daughter Lily Rose was introduced to the film world. I did not know he was in this, I had to find out after I heard his voice, but he was in a completely unrecognisable appearance. Father, daughter working together, that too in her first film, really wonderful to hear, but the choice of film does not convince. Seems a good concept, but a bad story and execution. Particularly, it was like a 40 minute television episode, so for a feature film it was too short and stupid. At least it is watchable, but not worthy, so I suggest you to make a right choice if you haven't seen it.

_4/10_

I won’t sugar coat it: this movie is the very definition of bad. Just when I thought director Kevin Smith was starting to get his groove back, an utter piece of garbage like “Yoga Hosers” comes along. There are zero reasons for this movie to even exist.

Don’t let anyone tell you this is “the female version of ‘Clerks.’” It’s far, far, far from it. This movie is a complete mess of incoherent, undeveloped gags and ideas. Nothing made me laugh, and most of the jokes that were clearly supposed to be funny weren’t met with so much as a chuckle from anyone in the audience. When the best ‘jokes’ in the film are your actors saying “aboot” in a funny Canadian accent, then your film has no substance.

The campiness simply didn’t work. While I find the idea of two empty-headed teen convenience store clerks battling a crudely animated Nazi bratwurst army with yoga poses as enjoyable as the next guy, I was so bored that I was contemplating taking a nap 20 minutes in. The movie is so poorly directed and poorly executed that I truly hope it’s not the final nail in Smith’s filmmaking coffin.

Let’s talk about the other elephant in the room: the dreadful lead performances. I appreciate Smith wanting to cast his daughter Harley Quinn Smith in the movie and I hate to dash the pie-in-the-sky acting dreams of a 16 year old girl, but she and Lily-Rose Depp were both as stiff as a board as the two Colleens. Wait, they didn’t have any acting experience before this movie? Wow, you could’ve fooled me! CGI mannequins would’ve been better choices as leads. Johnny Depp was dreadful and he looked as though he was trying to keep a watchful eye on his daughter instead of his lines. Cutsey bits with the teenage girls singing were super repetitive and exhausting.

Before you dismiss this review as being written by a cynical old fart, I’ve been a fan of Smith’s for decades (I even LOVE the oft-maligned “Mallrats” and enjoyed the over-the-top bizarre “Tusk“). But “Yoga Hosers” is as bad as movies come.

I’d rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass than to watch this disastrous piece of mediocrity ever again.